good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
