tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
