If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
