I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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