We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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