And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
