you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
