I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
