Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize