I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
