I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
