A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
