Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
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Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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