Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
