I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
