I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
