I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
