C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
