You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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