T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
