I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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