ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
