i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
