i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
