I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
