Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night