Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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