So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
