Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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