Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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