She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
