I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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