hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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