Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
