checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Boobs speak an international language.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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