my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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