I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
