he told me I talked like a deaf person
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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