She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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