I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
