i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
