I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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