piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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