There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
