I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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