the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
