Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
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Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
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Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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