Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
