I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
