theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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