I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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