It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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