perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
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I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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