She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
