Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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