I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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