You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
