Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
