tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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