i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
