so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
