I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
