I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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