are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
