That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
