the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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