when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
