Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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