FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
